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After you have children, sleep becomes more precious than ever…perhaps because it is difficult to come by. We chatted with Janet Kennedy, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, also known as the NYC sleep doctor to get some insight as to the elusiveness of sleep for adults.

We all know that a good night sleep makes us feel much better the next day. But scientifically, why is sleep so important and beneficial to our overall well-being. 

Our bodies work hard for us all day long. At night they repair and restore themselves. While we sleep, our muscles repair themselves, memories get transferred into long-term storage, immunity is boosted and hormones are regulated—just to name a few of the important functions of sleep. Chronic sleep deprivation can lead to weight gain, diabetes, poor concentration, memory problems, accidents, slowed reaction times, decreased immune function, anxiety and depression.

As a new parent, how do you find the time to get adequate sleep?

The early weeks of new parenthood are very rough on sleep. It’s important to sleep whenever you can. The rules of sleep hygiene (e.g., no napping) don’t apply. But as the weeks go on, your baby’s sleep will start to lengthen and you can take advantage of it. The best way to get your own sleep back on track is to teach your baby how to sleep as soon as it’s appropriate. It’s also important to set realistic goals for your days and nights. You don’t have to be a superhero. If you are struggling with sleep, forget about the photo albums that “need” to be made and focus on the necessities. There will be time for the wish list once you have more traction as a parent.

How can you tell if you’re sleep deprived?

If you fall asleep when you don’t intend to—while watching TV, talking on the phone, eating dinner—you are sleep deprived. It’s fair to assume that you will be sleep deprived at times during your child’s development. There will be illnesses, disruptions, travel, nightmares, etc., so it’s important to establish a baseline of good sleep so that sleep deprivation, when it happens, is transient. 

You’re lucky enough to have a child who sleeps through the night – but then you climb into bed, you can’t shut your own brain off. Why is this? What should one do?

Becoming a parent adds exponentially to the amount of information you must hold onto every day. It used to be just you, but now you have a person dependent on you to love, nurture and protect…and to remember to stock endless mountains of supplies. And then there are the people who help you to take care of your baby—they have to be coordinated, paid, and otherwise attended to. And then there’s the money involved—where will it come from and where does it all go? Whether you work outside the home or work all day raising your family, there is just too much to think about. And, often, the first chance you get to sit down and take a breath is when it’s time for bed. But as soon as you try to relax, the lists start churning in your mind.

Here are a few strategies to help:

·       Write it down: Set aside time in the evening, perhaps right after your child goes to bed, to sit down and make your lists. Everything you get down on paper relieves you of having to remember it. Lists also help you to prioritize (see perfectionism below). Perhaps not everything that occurs to you is actually necessary or urgent. Thoughts bouncing around in your head are circular. Writing things down makes them concrete and finite. Do your list writing well before bedtime, preferably before doing something enjoyable. Keep a pad and pen next to your bed to write down any thoughts that pop up as you get ready for sleep.

·       Lower your standards: Yes, it’s true. You can’t be perfect at everything at all times. Perfectionism is a happiness killer. You simply have too much to do. If your standards are too high, you never get to feel good about your accomplishments. This is not about radical change; it’s about compromise. Maybe you don’t need to bake the cupcakes you’re bringing to daycare to celebrate your child’s second birthday. You can still bring cupcakes without staying up all night to make it happen. That’s what grocery stores are for.

·       Create a buffer time to separate your day from your night: Set a time to unplug and stop working, social networking, and surfing the Web. Watch a movie or show, play cards, knit, talk on the actual phone. And right before you go to bed, read fiction. It will distract your mind so that your body can relax and take over the process of falling asleep.

·       Don’t measure your mood, productivity, parenting or health based on sleep alone: Sleep fluctuates based on many factors. And your daytime functioning can be affected or it might not. Sleep contributes to how you feel during the day, but it’s not the only factor. Stress, mood, weather, hormones, workload, and your level of interest in what you are doing all play a role in how you feel. If you lie awake telling yourself that you’ll never be able to work, parent, enjoy yourself, lose the baby weight, etc., if you don’t get enough sleep tonight, you will make matters much worse. Anxiety about sleep will cause insomnia. Think instead about all of the ways in which you manage to perform under less than ideal circumstances. You can and do make it work.

Is it true that interrupted sleep is just as bad as no sleep at all? 

No. All sleep is interrupted. We all wake up during the night as our sleep cycles end and begin again. It’s best if night waking is not prolonged. But that’s not always possible, especially with a new baby. And some people are awake for longer periods during the night on a regular basis without any issues.

If one parent has to go to work the next day, while the other stays home with the kids, is it “fair” to switch on and off nighttime duty?

It’s essential to trade off nighttime duty. The person who stays home with the kids probably has the harder job. Chronic sleep deprivation makes it very hard to be the parent you want to be. But if parents are regularly on nighttime duty after the first 3-4 months of a baby’s life, it’s time to address the problem and teach the baby to sleep.

About Dr. Kennedy
After years of being the unofficial sleep consultant to friends, colleagues and family with a variety of child and adult sleep issues, Dr. Kennedy decided to make the leap and create NYC Sleep Doctor in 2008. She strongly believe that correcting sleep problems—for children and for adults—is critical to the physical and psychological health of the whole family. You can find her website here, or visit her on social media, facebook and twitter. You can also check out her book, “The Good Sleeper: The Essential Guide to Sleep for Your Baby (and You).”