SHARED by: Maria Mavrides, Head Two’s Teacher, Early Learning Foundations Preschool

As a 6-year-old, my oldest daughter was remarkable at chess. She won many tournaments in New York City and was becoming known as the cute little girl with a talent for finding the check mate. Then she went to her first State Championship – and lost. She cried and wanted to give up. She experienced failure on a very concrete level. She also discovered that most of the children practiced with private coaches for many more hours than she did.  Losing became a valuable lesson that talent and natural ability needs to be accompanied by hard work to achieve success. She didn’t quit, because I didn’t allow her to. She tried again and again for many years. Sometimes she won and sometimes she lost. She realized she was a good chess player, but that some others were even better – and that that was OK. My daughter, now 15, didn’t become a grand master, but did learn that failure happens, and that it can teach you important lessons that can help you succeed later.

In a world full of standardized tests, both parents and teacher’s efforts seem to be directed to make children capable to achieve “success” on a professional/academic level. But what happens when our children fail?  What happens to children when they don’t succeed in a task, test or competition? How do they cope with failure?

Very few of us prepare children to fail gracefully, and to realize that life goes on after failure. Parents are often terrified of letting their children fail because of their perception of the potential impact on their self-esteem and social development. The reality, however, is that we all are going to experience failure at some point, and the earlier children learn that they will sometimes win and sometimes lose, the sooner they’ll be able to cope with failure and success, in a productive way.

As the mother of two children, I understand how it can be relieving when all the children in competition receive a trophy just for participating. Does this prepare my daughters for the joys of success or for the sadness of losing? No. There is tremendous value in understanding that some people are better at certain things than others. We should celebrate talent and hard work, and be happy when it’s our ability and hard work that makes us the best at something. Understanding that we can’t possibly be the “best” at everything is part of growing up, and should not preclude us from trying new things and experience things in which we may not have natural ability. Children should be taught that it’s ok to try something new for the pure joy of it. After all – trying new and unfamiliar things is the only way to discover natural talent in the first place.

It is critical for children to learn how to recover from failure, and have the courage to try again with full commitment and excellence. Children learn by doing, and accepting the risk of loss is necessary for becoming a successful learner.

As my older child embarks in the journey of college applications, she’s working extra hard to get into her dream school. She is aiming high but I’m confident that if she doesn’t get in to her top choice, regardless of the disappointment, she’ll pick up the pieces and go on to work hard and do her best at whatever school she attends. Comprehending that success requires hard work, irrespective of talent is a critical life lesson. It’s not possible to learn that critical life lesson without experiencing loss. So, next time you play a game with your young child, consider not letting them win.